NEUROTICISMS

I've been on that wall again, watching myself. Picking apart my behaviour, words, feelings, thoughts. I think I should go to therapy, but I wouldn't know what for. I just know there's things wrong with the way I think and feel and live, I know its not normal. But... What is there to do about it? The way I feel is so fundamental to my core and function- its not something fleeting or temporary. Not something to "get over". Its just how I perceive and feel the world around me.

I've figured that I'm a social paradox. The word someone would use is ambivert but I despise it. Its not the right term, it implies that I'm happy with *both* ends. But I'm not. I'm not extroverted- I can't stand being around people and often prefer to be reclusive. I don't like being approached or talking to strangers and very few people in my life receive the amount of attention I am willing to spare to someone. I'm comfortable in solitude.
I am Extroverted. I love being at events, I love meeting new people and discovering new friends. I love sharing, I love seeing new things, I love people. I would be miserable without the company of others. I feel so bored and alone at work so often as many of my shifts are lonely- But anytime that a human being approaches me I feel a visceral hate for their presence there. I want them to leave me alone.
I'm introverted. I like being alone. I am so comfortable in solitude and being left to my own devices, left wandering the street with just me and my thoughts- rambling to myself. I suppose thats why I can manage to stream with little problems. I don't mind quiet chats and the lack of people. But... The reason I stream is partly that I get insomnia if im not entertaining others. Surely, that means I like people? Or do I just like the audience? But if I just liked the audience, why would I go for live content? I have a need for connection, but I also keep things at such an arm's length. Its confusing, frustrating, I never feel like I can quite fit somewhere.

I've never felt like I belong. All my life. Even within my own family, I feel like such an outsider to everything. Always on the fringe, always alone. Always easily able to cut and run and be off on my own. I'm not ready to do that, but I just can. I don't have to be ready to abandon things. I'm wracking my brain trying to understand why Im like this. What could be an explanation- something that could bring me comfort and understanding that I am not a mystery. That I have reasonable causes for why I am the way I am, instead of just destroying myself over it.

I feel like someone is trying to fit a puzzle piece from a different box into the world, and is being confused on why it doesnt match. It can fit, sure, many puzzle sets are printed with the same tile pattern, but you look at it and know that the images are contrasting and incorrect. Yes, I belong here, its just a fundamental truth that I'm welcomed in many places and people care about me- It would be impossible for it not to be true.

But when I look at it, I see that I don't complete the picture the same way others do. And I don't know what to do about it, because whatever box I came from has long since found its way to a landfill I'll never learn the name of.